Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
