Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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