You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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