May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
