my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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