i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
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Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
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I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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