remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
