you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
