I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
