We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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