So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
