Duck Duck Cougar?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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