Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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