I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
