so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
