forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
