I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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