I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How external is "for external use only"?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
