it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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