I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
