He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
