whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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