Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
