Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
