So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
