Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
