I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
