my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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