i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
