How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
