Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
