Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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