Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
