you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
