The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
