Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
