I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
