Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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