We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
