I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He? As in you personified your dick?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
