she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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