I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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