Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
