I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
