got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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