well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
