On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
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Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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