So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
