i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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