I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
