oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
