We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
