dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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