Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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