im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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