I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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