I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
