ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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